


hypothetically

by andromedagalaxy



Series: Philkas College Verse [49]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 19:51:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12991281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: Lukas has been thinking about it all day. He pretty much told Nathan that they should just back off and be cool, but he doesn’t know how he feels about anything. The whole situation feels unresolved, and he knows he’ll probably regret being gone that day for the rest of his damn life.He has to tell Philip what he was thinking.“Hypothetically,” Lukas says. “If I was like…if I like, tracked down Dour and like, punched him in the face and ran away, is that…is that weird?”Philip goes a little stiff. Lukas feels the air around them go stale and then Philip sits up, bracing himself on his forearm. His brows are furrowed and he’s searching Lukas’s face.“Hypothetically?” Philip asks. “What kind of hypothetical is that?”Lukas just stares at him, shrugging a little bit.“Lukas,” Philip says, voice low. “You didn’t actually like, do this, right?”





	hypothetically

Lukas looks down at Philip’s head in his lap. It’s Saturday, finally, and they’ve been trying to catch up on Brooklyn 99 because they’re majorly behind, but Lukas’s thoughts keep drifting. He hates that he’s taking summer classes even though he tried to prepare himself. It’s weird that he’s taking the regular five and Philip has one, and it’s been cutting into their alone time severely. They’re newly engaged and they deserve better than this shit, especially since he was gone for two and a half months. But he thinks back to when he made the plans for the circuit, when he knew this was gonna come; he knew it was gonna suck, but it was the only way he’d be able to graduate on time.

But it still sucks. 

“I can hear your brain working,” Philip says, still staring at the TV. “Can hear the cogs moving.”

Lukas scoffs. “Yeah?” he asks. “What’s it sound like?”

Philip rolls over onto his back, looking up at him now. “Like…little mice scratching at the inside of your skull.”

“Philip, they’re hamsters,” Lukas says, brushing Philip’s hair back. “We bought them little wheels and everything, remember?”

“Oh right,” Philip says, grinning. He presses pause on his phone and looks up at Lukas expectantly. 

Lukas clicks his tongue. “It’s nothing. Just getting pissy about school again, as if anybody’s surprised.”

“Just imagine,” Philip says, gazing up at him, “when we don’t have school. When we just have jobs that we really like. I can take pictures of dogs all day if I want to. You could win three races and be good for like a month.”

“Not if I get some shitty sponsors who want me all over the place,” Lukas says. 

“Don’t worry,” Philip says, and there’s a glint in his eye. “When I manage you I’ll only get you the best.”

Lukas leans down, pressing a kiss to Philip’s forehead.

A few minutes later his phone buzzes and he tries to muffle his gasp.

_Hey, Dour works at a bar on 5th and 2nd so….!_

Lukas had nearly forgotten about his rash plan to find Dour’s workplace and go there to punch him in the face. He’d been so sure about it, so filled with rage and pain and horror that nothing had seemed so right. But now it feels like it’s been ten years since he asked Nathan to find him and it looks sorta crazy in retrospect. He doesn’t know what to do anymore. He definitely wants to kill the guy for what he did but actually acting on his impulses probably isn’t the smartest thing to do. And he knows Philip won’t like it. 

He chews on his lower lip, eyes flicking down to the top of Philip’s head. He tries to be as quiet as possible when he types out his reply. 

_Let’s like…table this…probably indefinitely :/ because it’s crazy yeah???_

He clears his throat, smiling automatically when Philip laughs, turning his face into Lukas’s leg. Lukas rubs his engagement ring with his middle finger and feels more anxiety rising in his throat. He hates Dour. He hates him. But he knows he needs to chill the fuck out and think of what Philip would want.

_Yeah, I mean…probably crazy. Guess we’re both crazy, uh oh_

Lukas raises one eyebrow.

_Yeah. Definitely crazy._

~

Philip is laying with his head on Lukas’s chest that night, the lights already out, Izzy fed and snoring in the corner. 

“Why is your heart beating so fast?” Philip asks, sleepily.

Lukas has been thinking about it all day. He pretty much told Nathan that they should just back off and be cool, but he doesn’t know how he feels about anything. The whole situation feels unresolved, and he knows he’ll probably regret being gone that day for the rest of his damn life.

He has to tell Philip what he was thinking.

“Hypothetically,” Lukas says. “If I was like…if I like, tracked down Dour and like, punched him in the face and ran away, is that…is that weird?”

Philip goes a little stiff. Lukas feels the air around them go stale and then Philip sits up, bracing himself on his forearm. His brows are furrowed and he’s searching Lukas’s face.

“Hypothetically?” Philip asks. “What kind of hypothetical is that?”

Lukas just stares at him, shrugging a little bit.

“Lukas,” Philip says, voice low. “You didn’t actually like, do this, right?”

Lukas’s mind is running a mile a minute. “No,” he says. “But I, uh—maybe like, got close to doing it.”

“What’s close?” Philip asks, and he’s got that tone that Lukas doesn’t like to hear.

“I asked Nathan to find out where he worked and he did,” Lukas says, feeling a little bit like an idiot just laying here.

Philip grimaces, his mouth falling open. “Jesus, Lukas,” he says, pulling away from him, losing all points of contact as he scoots further onto his side of the bed. Lukas sits up, panicking a little bit, but then Philip starts talking again. “You stalked this idiot?”

“I mean, stalked is a strong word—”

“You had Nathan find him, literally find his place of work somehow, and you were planning on going there to punch him in the face,” Philip says. “Right?”

It sounds worse when he says it like that. 

Philip sighs heavily and shakes his head. “You could have gotten hurt, that guy is a freak—”

“I wanted to defend you,” Lukas babbles. “I wanted—I feel like shit and he needs to fucking know he can’t assault my boyf—my _fiancé_ without me doing something about it.”

“That’s not defending me,” Philip says, and he looks disgusted and Lukas is a little bit at a loss here. “That’s defending your own self.”

“No—”

“What would it do for me?” Philip asks, getting heated. “How does you punching him take away what he did?”

Lukas opens and closes his mouth a couple times.

“Maybe you think it’s for me, babe, but it’s not. It’s for you, to make you feel better about what happened. Like— _oh hey shithead, I wasn’t there but here I am now._ That’s you, that’s defending yourself and your pride and like…your territory.” He shakes his head and it looks like he smells something bad. 

“No,” Lukas says, his heart beating even faster now. “No, no, I wanna—he hurt you, Ryan hurt you and I wanted to hurt him, because he hurt you.”

Philip stares at him. “What?”

“What?” Lukas asks, breathing hard, a high-pitched whining in his ear. 

“You just said—”

“Dour hurt you, Philip,” Lukas says, louder. “He did it on purpose when I wasn’t here and I fucking _hate_ that it happened, I hate that I was so goddamn helpless—”

“Lukas, it is what it is,” Philip says, and there’s a new sort of softness in his eyes. “It’s done, punching him won’t make it undone. I’m okay, I’m fine, I promise.”

“I couldn’t protect you—”

“I’m not a child,” Philip says. “It could have happened to you, and shit, if it had I would have wanted to kill him too. But I wouldn’t stalk him and try to go hit him—especially if you were pressing charges against him. You don’t think you tracking him down and fucking him up would destroy my case?”

Lukas blinks a couple times. He can’t think.

“It isn’t your fault, what happened,” Philip says. “I don’t blame you at all. You weren’t here and it’s fine, it’s not—your job, to sit around with a sword trying to defend me. We love each other, we protect each other, sure, but this wasn’t—this wasn’t something you can claim as your fault. It’d be the same thing if it happened when I was in class or on a job or something.”

Lukas realizes he did take the blame. And he’d probably take the blame for anything that happened to Philip, considering their relationship and all the shit he put him through in high school. He’ll never forgive himself for it. He wants to protect him. He wants to keep him safe, keep him happy, keep the fuckers of the world away from him. But he’s right, here. Lukas has a hard time seeing shit from other people’s perspectives, but fuck, he can’t stop the world from turning even though he might want to. 

“You’re not gonna do this shit right?” Philip says, looking over his shoulder at him.

“No,” Lukas says, definitively. 

“You swear?” Philip asks, widening his eyes, shining in the dark.

“Yes,” Lukas says. “I swear.”

Philip nods but he still looks pissed. 

“Are you mad at me?” Lukas asks. 

“I’m just annoyed,” Philip says. “That you would even like, entertain this idea…we’re not in a _gang_ , Lukas.”

“I hit that guy at the graduation party,” Lukas says, soft. 

Philip scoffs and another burst of anger flares up in him. “That was a literal, in-the-moment thing, I was drunk and you were _there_ and you stopped something from happening. This is completely different, it’s over, it’s done, you were planning on following this freak and you probably would have gotten arrested—listen, I’m done with this conversation, I’m going to bed.” He scoots even further to his side of the bed and whips up the covers, turning his back to Lukas as he gets under them. He flops onto his side and pulls the comforter up over his shoulder. 

“I decided against it,” Lukas pleads, chewing on his lower lip. 

“Good.”

“So don’t be mad, I realized it was like, not smart—”

“I’m tired,” Philip says. 

Lukas stares at his back for a couple seconds before he sighs, getting under the covers himself and sinking down into the pillows. He stares up at their popcorn ceiling and chews on the inside of his cheek. “I’m sorry, baby,” he whispers.

“It’s fine, babe,” Philip says. 

“It’s not fine because you’re mad,” Lukas says, clenching his hands together under the blankets.

“I’ll get over it,” Philip says. 

Lukas sighs, feeling stupid and obnoxious. They never go to bed without saying _I love you_ unless something is severely fucked up, like on the cruise. “I love you,” he says, feeling even stupider.

“Love you too,” Philip says.

Lukas sorta hates how tears sting in his eyes, and he closes them, trying to chase sleep.

~

He tosses and turns all night, has stupid dreams, stares at Philip’s shoulders for a while and finally passes out at about five in the morning. When he wakes up Philip doesn’t have his back to him anymore, and instead he’s cuddled up against Lukas’s arm, breathing softly through his mouth.

Lukas doesn’t know why Philip puts up with him. Half the time he doesn’t see straight until Philip knocks some sense into him, and he doesn’t know where the fuck he’d be or how he’d be acting if Philip wasn’t a fucking saint. Lukas sighs, brushing his nose against Philip’s hair and closing his eyes again. 

~

When he wakes up again he’s alone. He sits up, blinking away the blurriness, and hears Izzy’s collar jingling back and forth out in the living room. Lukas rubs at his chest and swings his legs over the side of the bed, getting up and padding out there. Philip is putting some of the leftover chicken on Izzy’s plate on the counter, and before Lukas can even stop himself he’s walking over and hugging him from behind.

Philip laughs a little bit, patting his hand. 

“Are you still mad?” Lukas asks.

Philip slips out of his grasp, walking over and putting Izzy’s plate down for her. Lukas’s heart is rattling again, watching him. Philip turns around and leans on the bar, shaking his head. “Just like….”

“I’m sorry,” Lukas says. “It was stupid and rash and you’re right. I was just—I don’t know, I fucking hate that I was useless when something happened to you and I wanted to fix it but this…you’re right, this wouldn’t fix it. It might make me feel better for five seconds—”

“But that’s it,” Philip says. “And if you get arrested you’d be hurting me and—”

“I don’t want that,” Lukas says, shaking his head. “At all, ever.”

“Just go to the gym and punch shit,” Philip says. “I’ll go with you.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, because it’s a good idea and he’d probably agree to anything at this point. 

“And tell Nathan that I don’t need his vigilante guilt either,” Philip says, crossing his arms over his chest. “We’re gonna press charges and King Prick is gonna lose and hopefully have to do a million hours of community service or some shit and we can laugh at him in court, but other than that I don’t want to think about him. Or worry about you going out and doing something stupid.” 

Lukas nods, looking down at his feet.

“I know you just want me safe,” Philip says, walking over to him. “I know how much you love me and I love you too, and that’s exactly why I don’t want you thinking like this. Just…stay with me.”

“Okay,” Lukas says, his voice breaking. He tries to get it all out of his head, all the versions of revenge that have been playing on loop since he found out what happened. The gym is a good idea. He’ll just punch the bags and pretend it’s Dour’s face and that’s the most revenge he’ll get. Doing better for Philip from now on is what he needs to focus on. “I won’t be crazy.”

“Don’t be crazy,” Philip says, rubbing his arms up and down. “But you’re not…I know you’re not. Lukas, did you…did you hear yourself last night?”

Lukas sighs. “Yeah, I was just—”

“No, I mean,” Philip says, wetting his bottom lip. “You said Ryan. Instead of Dour, you said—you said Ryan.”

Lukas feels a little chill go through him and he focuses on a spot on the far wall. He doesn’t remember, but the old, tainted memories surge forward, like they’d been hiding just underneath all of this shit. And it feels too true, too real, that all of this with Philip being hurt reminds him of everything with Ryan. That moment in Anne’s apartment, when he was there, behind the door. Those moments before blackness when Lukas knew Philip would be alone. Lukas was helpless. Helpless to protect him, helpless to save him. He remembered Philip’s horror, the way it sounded, and he’s been projecting those sounds onto the images he doesn’t have, just outside their apartment, in their hallway where that fucker kissed his Philip. Where that fucker stepped over boundaries and brought another trauma into their lives. Created another time when Lukas failed to protect the person he loves most.

Philip touches his cheek. “All of this is bringing it back up, huh?” he asks, quiet.

Lukas hadn’t even realized it, but it makes a lot of sense. He swallows hard. “Guess so,” he says, trying to blink away that face. 

“It’s okay,” Philip whispers, touching Lukas’s cheekbones softly. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, sucking in a breath.

“Maybe we should talk to somebody again?” Philip asks, stepping a little closer. “Like we did in the beginning.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Lukas says, fast. Therapy helped, but he always feels so stupid talking about himself. He meets Philip’s eyes and nods at him. “You sure you’re not mad anymore?” he asks, eager to change the subject away from his fucked up head.

“I'm sure,” Philip says, the corner of his mouth twitching up.

Lukas presses their lips together, cupping Philip’s face in his hands. “I hate when you’re mad at me,” he whispers. 

“It never lasts long because I look at your stupid face and my whole façade crumbles,” Philip says, lightness in his tone as he kisses him again. 

The fact that Lukas is bringing up their past trauma without realizing it probably doesn’t hurt either, but he doesn’t mention it again. His ears flare red with embarrassment. “Thank God for this stupid face,” Lukas says, hauling him closer for a kiss that doesn’t break as quickly as the others did. He doesn’t wanna think about Dour. He definitely doesn’t wanna fucking think about Ryan. 

He kisses Philip harder, trying to wash it all away.


End file.
